Not really coping well at all...
A few months ago I scraped the side of my car in the work carpark. I was trying to get into a small space, that I knew bigger cars would struggle with, because every day in that carpark it completely packs out. The scraping itself wasn't particularly bad - a slight dent - but it did scrape away the paint.
That's how I feel now. I feel like my ability to cope is so close to giving up. I haven't felt this bad for ... probably about 10 months ago? I never remember feeling this panicky. This heart breakingly sad.
This morning I was on my third morning church Sunday for music. I only normally do about 3 Sundays every 8 weeks, and I was playing in a band. One of the singers was 14, almost 15. It reminded me of me at that age.
When I was 1.5 months off turning 15, I packed up my stuff into garbage bags, rang my Dad and moved 350km away to live with him and my stepmother. Life had become unbearable at home. Mum and I were constantly fighting, I owed her about $20 (which in 1989 terms was the best part of 7 weeks pocket money) in fines, I was training 10 times a week (2 hours a time), doing a couple of additional weights sessions, exhaustedly trying to play flute in my school musical, and starting to badly fail at school - something I'd never done before then.
I felt out of control. So wretchedly miserable. So deeply unhappy. So alone.
I'm so tired. So stressed. So finding it hard to cope at work. It feels like I'll never get through it.. it's never ending. As hard as I work, and as much as I concentrate, I can't do it.
So all of that is bringing back that terror. That fear that I had at age 14. That caused me to move across the state and live with a completely new family. I spent the next 3 and a bit years with them. And then I moved again - to Sydney, to uni.
It's no bloody wonder that I've never achieved as well as I would like. I'm going to cut myself some slack. I am amazingly resilient given the terrible, traumatic, horrendous childhood I had.
I will be kinder to myself. It's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to not have everything under control.
I feel a bit better now.
That's how I feel now. I feel like my ability to cope is so close to giving up. I haven't felt this bad for ... probably about 10 months ago? I never remember feeling this panicky. This heart breakingly sad.
This morning I was on my third morning church Sunday for music. I only normally do about 3 Sundays every 8 weeks, and I was playing in a band. One of the singers was 14, almost 15. It reminded me of me at that age.
When I was 1.5 months off turning 15, I packed up my stuff into garbage bags, rang my Dad and moved 350km away to live with him and my stepmother. Life had become unbearable at home. Mum and I were constantly fighting, I owed her about $20 (which in 1989 terms was the best part of 7 weeks pocket money) in fines, I was training 10 times a week (2 hours a time), doing a couple of additional weights sessions, exhaustedly trying to play flute in my school musical, and starting to badly fail at school - something I'd never done before then.
I felt out of control. So wretchedly miserable. So deeply unhappy. So alone.
I'm so tired. So stressed. So finding it hard to cope at work. It feels like I'll never get through it.. it's never ending. As hard as I work, and as much as I concentrate, I can't do it.
So all of that is bringing back that terror. That fear that I had at age 14. That caused me to move across the state and live with a completely new family. I spent the next 3 and a bit years with them. And then I moved again - to Sydney, to uni.
It's no bloody wonder that I've never achieved as well as I would like. I'm going to cut myself some slack. I am amazingly resilient given the terrible, traumatic, horrendous childhood I had.
I will be kinder to myself. It's ok to not be perfect. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to not have everything under control.
I feel a bit better now.
Praying for you, George.
ReplyDeletePraying for you too George. love, Roni
ReplyDelete