Reverse Culture Shock
(This post was originally on FB 2 years ago (29.11.16) and given I've reinvigorated my blog this year, I thought it worthwhile preserving for posterity):
How can I prepare for reverse culture shock? That question came up today, as a dear friend and her lovely family head home after 4 years of theological college.
I first heard the term “reverse culture shock” teaching university students about adjustment to university and then returning home afterwards. I’ve thought about it a fair bit since; for me, the idea that you would be “shocked” coming home seems weird… but stay with me.
So you’ve spent an extended period of time somewhere else. It might be at university for a few years overseas, it might be going to theological college in a different state like my friends, it might be going on a short term mission to Mexico, like me. What can you expect when you come home?
Well, the first thing to remember is that time moves and so does life. I regularly return to Canberra, the city I spent 6 formative years in, from age 8-14. Every time it’s a bit different. It’s like it’s been turned slightly askew - it feels familiar, similar, the same, but there are differences. I recently went back to Quirindi, the home of my grandparents for many years. The main street felt the same, but then there was Subway! Subway, in a small country town! Things had changed, so had I. So expect it to feel different, but only a little bit.
I think sometimes, when we’ve been longing for a while to go home, we tend to romanticise it a bit. Forgetting that life doesn’t stop when you return - the things that were tricky when you were abroad - whether it be managing your money, coping with your tricky relatives, or being patient with your children - they won’t go away. They will still be there when you return.
Also, it can be easy to think that it’s going to be easier when you return home. After all, it’s a place of comfort, of normalcy, of known-ness. But the reality is that whether you’ve been living in a different state for four years, whether you’ve been at university for 3 years, or whether you’ve been travelling around Mexico for even a short time, home can seem, well, boring. Because the novelty of travel, of difference, is not there. It’s easy to get discontented when you get home. How many people do you know who constantly keep travelling? They are addicted to the high of “unusualness” - and can’t find contentment in the normal.
Another thing, have you ever noticed that when you travel, you seem to get really tired? Or found yourself driving home on a route you drive every day and then you can’t remember bits of the drive home? Our brains cope with cognitive overload in various ways but one way is by making things automatic. It’s like when you learn to drive: when you first start the feel of the pedal on the floor, the changing legs and positions (if you drive a manual), the remembering the signal and the windscreen wipers - all of them take cognitive load. Your brain can only cope with so much in the immediate consciousness, so what happens is that things become automatic. So as you learn to drive, you start not noticing the pressure on the pedal, or the need to signal - it just happens.
Similarly when you move anywhere, your brain is learning all these new connections and pathways. And it’s tiring. And that will be the same whenever you move - your brain has to learn all the things you do each day. So things are more tiring than normal.
So, the question you ask, is how do you cope? Knowing that there’s a number of challenges you can face?
Well, first of all, I think it is right to enjoy going home. Enjoy getting to know the new slightly changed home you are returning to. Enjoy meeting up with people who you haven’t seen for years, trying out new places, and happily visiting old ones. Enjoy the excitement of coming home.
Take it easy: I can’t say this enough. Don’t overcommit yourself in church or work or anything else initially. Be mindful that it takes a while to settle in. I remember after I’d been in my (current) job for 8 weeks, I met my new GP and I said - I’m not coping. She said, very wisely, it takes a good 6 months to get used to a new job, even a year. You’re not going to be there after 8 weeks - just keep aware that you need to cut yourself some slack.
Be aware that you’re often leaving dear friends. There will be a time of grieving - and it’s right and proper to grieve. These were relationships that will now change - that’s ok - it shows that your time overseas or interstate or whatever is meaningful, that you made friends, that you built a community. But things will change; be prepared to feel grief and accept that.
I’ve been preaching this message for years, but make sure you have some Pleasant Event Scheduling. We call it PES in my friendship group - and it’s important. It gives you things to look forward to in the mundane, it gives you a sense of forward looking when the immediate presence is hard, or tiring, or just plain difficult. Schedule some PES even if you haven’t unpacked the spare room, even if the floor is filthy, even if the amenities aren’t set up perfectly. PES helps to keep you optimistic and forward looking, not grieving in the past.
And finally, this is a Christian moment, you know, it doesn’t matter where your earthly home is, really. It’s temporary. Living in Sydney, it’s temporary. Going to Mexico. Temporary. Going back to Canberra: temporary. We aren’t living long term here on earth, that’s heaven. There won’t be grief there for lost or changed friendships, it won’t feel unfamiliar. It will be wonderful, without pain. Without crying. Without mourning. So don’t forget that your eternal destination is one where there will be no reverse culture shock.
How can I prepare for reverse culture shock? That question came up today, as a dear friend and her lovely family head home after 4 years of theological college.
I first heard the term “reverse culture shock” teaching university students about adjustment to university and then returning home afterwards. I’ve thought about it a fair bit since; for me, the idea that you would be “shocked” coming home seems weird… but stay with me.
So you’ve spent an extended period of time somewhere else. It might be at university for a few years overseas, it might be going to theological college in a different state like my friends, it might be going on a short term mission to Mexico, like me. What can you expect when you come home?
Well, the first thing to remember is that time moves and so does life. I regularly return to Canberra, the city I spent 6 formative years in, from age 8-14. Every time it’s a bit different. It’s like it’s been turned slightly askew - it feels familiar, similar, the same, but there are differences. I recently went back to Quirindi, the home of my grandparents for many years. The main street felt the same, but then there was Subway! Subway, in a small country town! Things had changed, so had I. So expect it to feel different, but only a little bit.
I think sometimes, when we’ve been longing for a while to go home, we tend to romanticise it a bit. Forgetting that life doesn’t stop when you return - the things that were tricky when you were abroad - whether it be managing your money, coping with your tricky relatives, or being patient with your children - they won’t go away. They will still be there when you return.
Also, it can be easy to think that it’s going to be easier when you return home. After all, it’s a place of comfort, of normalcy, of known-ness. But the reality is that whether you’ve been living in a different state for four years, whether you’ve been at university for 3 years, or whether you’ve been travelling around Mexico for even a short time, home can seem, well, boring. Because the novelty of travel, of difference, is not there. It’s easy to get discontented when you get home. How many people do you know who constantly keep travelling? They are addicted to the high of “unusualness” - and can’t find contentment in the normal.
Another thing, have you ever noticed that when you travel, you seem to get really tired? Or found yourself driving home on a route you drive every day and then you can’t remember bits of the drive home? Our brains cope with cognitive overload in various ways but one way is by making things automatic. It’s like when you learn to drive: when you first start the feel of the pedal on the floor, the changing legs and positions (if you drive a manual), the remembering the signal and the windscreen wipers - all of them take cognitive load. Your brain can only cope with so much in the immediate consciousness, so what happens is that things become automatic. So as you learn to drive, you start not noticing the pressure on the pedal, or the need to signal - it just happens.
Similarly when you move anywhere, your brain is learning all these new connections and pathways. And it’s tiring. And that will be the same whenever you move - your brain has to learn all the things you do each day. So things are more tiring than normal.
So, the question you ask, is how do you cope? Knowing that there’s a number of challenges you can face?
Well, first of all, I think it is right to enjoy going home. Enjoy getting to know the new slightly changed home you are returning to. Enjoy meeting up with people who you haven’t seen for years, trying out new places, and happily visiting old ones. Enjoy the excitement of coming home.
Take it easy: I can’t say this enough. Don’t overcommit yourself in church or work or anything else initially. Be mindful that it takes a while to settle in. I remember after I’d been in my (current) job for 8 weeks, I met my new GP and I said - I’m not coping. She said, very wisely, it takes a good 6 months to get used to a new job, even a year. You’re not going to be there after 8 weeks - just keep aware that you need to cut yourself some slack.
Be aware that you’re often leaving dear friends. There will be a time of grieving - and it’s right and proper to grieve. These were relationships that will now change - that’s ok - it shows that your time overseas or interstate or whatever is meaningful, that you made friends, that you built a community. But things will change; be prepared to feel grief and accept that.
I’ve been preaching this message for years, but make sure you have some Pleasant Event Scheduling. We call it PES in my friendship group - and it’s important. It gives you things to look forward to in the mundane, it gives you a sense of forward looking when the immediate presence is hard, or tiring, or just plain difficult. Schedule some PES even if you haven’t unpacked the spare room, even if the floor is filthy, even if the amenities aren’t set up perfectly. PES helps to keep you optimistic and forward looking, not grieving in the past.
And finally, this is a Christian moment, you know, it doesn’t matter where your earthly home is, really. It’s temporary. Living in Sydney, it’s temporary. Going to Mexico. Temporary. Going back to Canberra: temporary. We aren’t living long term here on earth, that’s heaven. There won’t be grief there for lost or changed friendships, it won’t feel unfamiliar. It will be wonderful, without pain. Without crying. Without mourning. So don’t forget that your eternal destination is one where there will be no reverse culture shock.
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