Fear

So. At my last Fatigue clinic, I talked to the exercise physiologist about trying to go to the gym. We discussed that this week, e.g. today, would be good as I have no commitments that I have to cancel if it's too much.

I'm already in pain today. The glands are having a party and I'm not invited. I haven't done any exercise since the 1st January (good reasons including going to cricket and managing fatigue and very sore body). 

So I'm sitting here, trying to tell myself to get ready. I'm beseiged by doubt and failure. I can tell you the exact day when I last went to the gym (Friday 9th February 2018). I am heavier and way less fit today than I was that day. That day, I did a boxing class; today, I have a very basic regime to work through on some machines. I would've laughed at this workout a year ago. 

It's January - January at the gym is "everyone trying to get fit" month. People there will think that I'm there because I'm trying to get fit. I will go to the pool gym instead of the work gym (just a casual visit) and I'll probably not visit this gym for another year. 

I feel so afraid. I'm so big. I'm so unfit. 

But I know if I don't go, I will have yielded to the fear and the disgust and the opinions of others. 

And I don't want to be that person.