Why o LORD??

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?    How long will you hide your face from me?How long must I take counsel in my soul    and have sorrow in my heart all the day?How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;    light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, 

lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
    lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. 
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord,    because he has dealt bountifully with me.

The Psalms are full of "Why O Lord" moments. I'm wondering the same thing at the moment.  Wondering how long it will take to get well? Wondering how fat I'm going to get in the meantime? Wondering if I can even stay alive if life is _THIS_ forever.

It's been 9.5 weeks since I fell ill. 67 days. Over 2 months. This week I made it to 3 hours work per day from Tuesday to Friday, except on Thursday I worked from home because I was so tired and my body ached and I started getting a cold too.

Mum has recommended gargling this betadine stuff, and it's absolutely foul, but I'm so sick of being sick I did it to try and stop the cold from progressing.

In 1980, Mum did her Masters thesis in nutrition on vitamins and their general ineffectiveness for healthy people eating a balanced diet. And that advice is still the case today.  But I still bought a 100 tablet tub of Women's multivitamins and I'm taking one every day. Just in case they somehow help. And even Mum said "Why not?"

The despair is deep at the moment. I am so miserable. I bought a bunch of movies off iTunes and I'm hoping that'll help, but they probably won't. I went to put on a dress this morning, but I looked too fat and I took it off again.

Today I had two wonderful conversations with seniors. One of whom is trying to work out whether they do Honours before they apply for grad school in America or Canada.  One of whom is feeling bad for withdrawing from the program next term. They were both good conversations, but I was so tired afterwards. The withdrawing leader said (I can't remember exact words): "I told (X - her junior leader) how good it is in the office when you're there, so she'd be aware."

I know that I should be grateful I have such an amazing job that I miss so much.
I know that I should be grateful that I have a flat and all these possessions.
I know that I should be grateful for my fuzzy companions, particularly Happy, who somehow manages to move back and forward from the cage to the living room, coincidentally the same time I move.
I know that I should be grateful that I don't have something more serious, like cancer, that my friend has and my relative has.
I know that I should be grateful that I have holiday leave that I can take now my sick leave has completely gone.
I know that I should be grateful that I have friends and family and a wonderful church family.

I know I should be grateful for all those things, but the reality is I just feel angry. And sad. And frustrated. And so so sick of no energy.

I miss working out. I miss swimming. I miss feeling the water pass me, feeling the strength in my arms as I power through the water, the slow ache of muscles well used afterwards. The chlorine smell. The knowledge that although I look terrible in my costume, once I'm in the water you can't fault the beauty in my stroke.
I miss my personal trainer. I miss his honey looks and kind personality. I miss our chats and I miss being pushed further than I pushed myself. I miss walking into his gym and knowing that I will walk out feeling better, and stronger, and healthier, and happier.
I miss the gym. I miss lifting weights and feeling the strength in my muscles.
I miss boxing. I miss punching and kicking and running just as fast as anyone else in the class.
I miss going out. I miss cooking food. I miss eating food that doesn't come out of a plastic tray and out of a microwave.
I miss my colleagues. I miss going to seminars at work. I miss my students.
I miss the new students. Talking to them, watching their anxiety dissipate as you change their hearts from "I can't do this" to "Maybe I can do this". I miss the new semester and the excitement of finally being at university and that strange combination of fear and joy and apprehension and excitement of the first year student.
I miss holidays. I was going to visit my cousin's family next week, the closest I have to nieces. But I can't. Because I'm too far behind at work. And because I'm too tired and sick. And because I have no holiday leave to go anyway now I have to use it to keep getting paid.

Today I saw two leaders in the office. I didn't know who they were, apart from knowing that I'd hired them. I had to consult the photo board. That's never happened in 21 semesters.

So yeah, this Friday night, I'm feeling miserable. And grieving my life. And hoping this state of exhaustion isn't permanent. Because frankly, I don't think I'll cope.  I'll just eat and eat and eat and eat and end up being carted out of my house through the window because I don't fit through the door.