And so it goes, and so it goes....
The end of another month is drawing to a close and it's time to reflect on the month that was. I think the biggest thing that I can say about July is - it's easy to do too much in my current state and the outcome is NOT pretty. 3 times this month I have got the point where I can't get out of bed. I don't like it and I'm about 110% sure it's not a good thing when I'm trying to recover.
The first time was in Auckland and I basically crashed. I've already written about it. The second time I taught all day Wednesday for new leader training, and even though I got plenty of support from the seniors, I went to the Thursday nearly all day and then gave a 90 minute presentation at ACU on Friday. I wanted to go back to work after ACU, but I couldn't. I went home and spent the next 36 hours in bed. The third time I forgot my medication, and it gave me a bunch of tricky symptoms including insomnia, nightmares when I did sleep and it was very light with little sleep overall. That doesn't work well when your body is as constantly exhausted as mine is, and then I ended up not going into work at all. I slept the following night (cos I realised what the problem was) for about 14 hours. And have had no interrupted sleep since so it's not like I slept too much.
It's hard coping with your body being as tired and useless as mine feels at the moment. I think I feel worse about it than other people do - those I talk to tend to fall into the camp of understanding that glandular fever can sometimes take a very long time to go, and those who can't believe you can be sick for almost 6 months and can do NOTHING about it except rest. My pastors have been great helping me say no to things. I have had to give up another term of youth girls bible study, which breaks my heart, and today a friend at church said that they would be going to Square1 years 3-6 camp, which is not on til November, but my current projection is that I won't be well by then, so it's probably better I can process that now. But it HURTS. I really like Square1. It's so fun being with the kids and getting to know them and watching them have tremendous amounts of fun and learn about Jesus. I am sad about that.
I have come to a realisation this week that the fact that I haven't got better at all in July (as I said, I've overdone it several times so I'm sure that hasn't helped) means that my projected recovery is extremely slow. I have to now understand that I may not be better by the end of the year, that this disease, this VIRUS, this horrible lethargy and exhaustion, this isn't going anywhere. I'm no longer thinking that in a month I might be well. I'm now hoping that I'll be well in 2019. And that's a sad thought. So I try to just take it day by day and celebrate the little wins. Though this month I have organised a weekend up at my cousin's place in September (my friend will help drive) and I'm flying to see Bec in a musical in November, and hopefully seeing one of my favourite ex-student leaders too. So I think that's good as it's important to not just exist.
That being said, someone in my family is seriously ill and has had a serious, serious cancer operation and removal of some vital things in July, so I am very aware that I am very lucky just being tired. Even if it's all the time. Even if I have to balance my energy so that today I can clean my bathroom, or tomorrow I can visit someone, or even if it exhausts me when I need to teach.
I really have nothing other than Auckland which I've already written about to say about July - it was a month of Auckland and work and that's about it.
The first time was in Auckland and I basically crashed. I've already written about it. The second time I taught all day Wednesday for new leader training, and even though I got plenty of support from the seniors, I went to the Thursday nearly all day and then gave a 90 minute presentation at ACU on Friday. I wanted to go back to work after ACU, but I couldn't. I went home and spent the next 36 hours in bed. The third time I forgot my medication, and it gave me a bunch of tricky symptoms including insomnia, nightmares when I did sleep and it was very light with little sleep overall. That doesn't work well when your body is as constantly exhausted as mine is, and then I ended up not going into work at all. I slept the following night (cos I realised what the problem was) for about 14 hours. And have had no interrupted sleep since so it's not like I slept too much.
It's hard coping with your body being as tired and useless as mine feels at the moment. I think I feel worse about it than other people do - those I talk to tend to fall into the camp of understanding that glandular fever can sometimes take a very long time to go, and those who can't believe you can be sick for almost 6 months and can do NOTHING about it except rest. My pastors have been great helping me say no to things. I have had to give up another term of youth girls bible study, which breaks my heart, and today a friend at church said that they would be going to Square1 years 3-6 camp, which is not on til November, but my current projection is that I won't be well by then, so it's probably better I can process that now. But it HURTS. I really like Square1. It's so fun being with the kids and getting to know them and watching them have tremendous amounts of fun and learn about Jesus. I am sad about that.
I have come to a realisation this week that the fact that I haven't got better at all in July (as I said, I've overdone it several times so I'm sure that hasn't helped) means that my projected recovery is extremely slow. I have to now understand that I may not be better by the end of the year, that this disease, this VIRUS, this horrible lethargy and exhaustion, this isn't going anywhere. I'm no longer thinking that in a month I might be well. I'm now hoping that I'll be well in 2019. And that's a sad thought. So I try to just take it day by day and celebrate the little wins. Though this month I have organised a weekend up at my cousin's place in September (my friend will help drive) and I'm flying to see Bec in a musical in November, and hopefully seeing one of my favourite ex-student leaders too. So I think that's good as it's important to not just exist.
That being said, someone in my family is seriously ill and has had a serious, serious cancer operation and removal of some vital things in July, so I am very aware that I am very lucky just being tired. Even if it's all the time. Even if I have to balance my energy so that today I can clean my bathroom, or tomorrow I can visit someone, or even if it exhausts me when I need to teach.
I really have nothing other than Auckland which I've already written about to say about July - it was a month of Auckland and work and that's about it.
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