New Year's Resolutions
I'm on holidays. So I've been reading a fair bit about New Year's resolutions. Why they don't work, what is a good one. Here are some of my thoughts:
I'm an ENFJ. I like being an ENFJ - it's so cool. But there are downsides. That means my flaws include a tendency to sink deeply into despair when on my own, and I'm very sensitive to other's opinions of me. And, as you may be aware, at the moment, I keep sliding in and out of depression so deep and so bleak it feels the only reasonable alternative is suicide. So when I read the story about Seven NewYear's Resolutions that improve emotional health, I thought - this is an article I really need now.
In particular, I thought this was really true for me at the moment:
This has been happening to me. I've become this spiral of self-defeatedness. I am boring and miserable. I will make other people boring and miserable. Therefore I will avoid all people. Therefore I become more bored and more miserable.
It's compounded by the life circumstances I am in. I'm 39. Most of my friends over many years are now in relationships, with husbands, wives, children. Busy. Very busy. Also different to me. They are not battling the singleness issues. They are battling the married issues.
I go to a church where I think there are 2 women who regularly attend who are older than me, and not much older. Everyone else is younger. I've been going there 3 years. Despite trying, I don't seem to socialise much with any of them. I think 20-somethings don't realise or think or even need to think that someone might be lonely. You're not lonely, generally, when you're 20-something. You have (well, at least I did) trouble keeping up with everyone. You don't need more friends. You can't even cope with the friends you have.
But as you get older, your friends get busy. You get busy. Life gets busier. You still have those long term friends - the ones that knew you when you were a suicidal 21 year old - the flatmate that took you to hospital, the friend that sat on the steps outside Unichurch crying with you, the ones that know that once, you were a lot less stable that you are now. Once, you really struggled finding something that you wanted to do. The ones that remember your history.
Young friends aren't like that. They see your competence, your capability. They don't know and can't be expected to know that you were once something else. They don't know the frightened child, the runaway teenager, the terrified uni student, the dismayed and anxious 25 year old.
They only see you now, competent, capable, extremely independent and 39.
So, I guess my New Year's Resolution is this: Stop expecting friends when they aren't going to happen. Enjoy the friends that are there. Don't worry if someone doesn't get you or understand you. Just be aware of how far you've come, how much you've accomplished, and keep looking forward.
Don't look back and see wasted years. Look back and see the rich history and the person you were, versus the person you are now. You are in a better place now. You are a better human now. You are doing your best to give back to society.
Don't worry about what they think - just be yourself, enjoy the friends you have, the friends who understand what you once were.
I'm an ENFJ. I like being an ENFJ - it's so cool. But there are downsides. That means my flaws include a tendency to sink deeply into despair when on my own, and I'm very sensitive to other's opinions of me. And, as you may be aware, at the moment, I keep sliding in and out of depression so deep and so bleak it feels the only reasonable alternative is suicide. So when I read the story about Seven NewYear's Resolutions that improve emotional health, I thought - this is an article I really need now.
In particular, I thought this was really true for me at the moment:
1. Loneliness impacts our perceptions such that we are likely to view our existing relationships more negatively and pessimistically. We assume people aren’t interested in our company and that if we reach out to them they will reject us and turn us down. As a result we take little initiative and find excuses to turn down invitations when we do get them. from here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201309/why-loneliness-is-trap-and-how-break-free
This has been happening to me. I've become this spiral of self-defeatedness. I am boring and miserable. I will make other people boring and miserable. Therefore I will avoid all people. Therefore I become more bored and more miserable.
It's compounded by the life circumstances I am in. I'm 39. Most of my friends over many years are now in relationships, with husbands, wives, children. Busy. Very busy. Also different to me. They are not battling the singleness issues. They are battling the married issues.
I go to a church where I think there are 2 women who regularly attend who are older than me, and not much older. Everyone else is younger. I've been going there 3 years. Despite trying, I don't seem to socialise much with any of them. I think 20-somethings don't realise or think or even need to think that someone might be lonely. You're not lonely, generally, when you're 20-something. You have (well, at least I did) trouble keeping up with everyone. You don't need more friends. You can't even cope with the friends you have.
But as you get older, your friends get busy. You get busy. Life gets busier. You still have those long term friends - the ones that knew you when you were a suicidal 21 year old - the flatmate that took you to hospital, the friend that sat on the steps outside Unichurch crying with you, the ones that know that once, you were a lot less stable that you are now. Once, you really struggled finding something that you wanted to do. The ones that remember your history.
Young friends aren't like that. They see your competence, your capability. They don't know and can't be expected to know that you were once something else. They don't know the frightened child, the runaway teenager, the terrified uni student, the dismayed and anxious 25 year old.
They only see you now, competent, capable, extremely independent and 39.
So, I guess my New Year's Resolution is this: Stop expecting friends when they aren't going to happen. Enjoy the friends that are there. Don't worry if someone doesn't get you or understand you. Just be aware of how far you've come, how much you've accomplished, and keep looking forward.
Don't look back and see wasted years. Look back and see the rich history and the person you were, versus the person you are now. You are in a better place now. You are a better human now. You are doing your best to give back to society.
Don't worry about what they think - just be yourself, enjoy the friends you have, the friends who understand what you once were.
(PS This doesn't mean I'm not interested in making new, young friends, just no need to force a connection. I have friends already.)
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