The ministry, and the others

This is my grandma and me in 2007. She died in 2009. She was 92. I loved her very much. I'm still sad. It's 4.5 years later. I still miss her.

She always said I should pray for the family and that she was relying on me to do so. I haven't really prayed for them. I have let her down.

She said she always thought I would go into full time ministry.

This makes me think. When I was still young I remember having conversations with a very well known Christian ministry person (who incidentally didn't invite me to their wedding, so I can't have been a real friend) who suggested that I wasn't suitable for full-time ministry (not in as many words).

That's the thing. When you're young and stupid, and failing as a Christian, it's easy to for people to tell you you should not go into full-time ministry.

But now I look at my job. I look at the work I do. I look at the students I influence. I think: She was wrong. She didn't see my full potential then.

But then again, maybe she was right. Maybe I was never really a Christian. And therefore should never have contemplated ministry.

Or maybe I was just too immature and not ready.

Since then, there have been many times when I've been told off for thinking that "ministry" people are better than me - they say: "We're all working for Jesus, some full-time in ministry, some full-time in secular work".  But I think I can never shake the feeling that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy, I wasn't ready, I wasn't enough.