To doubt or not to doubt
So, I'm struggling with being a Christian at the moment. I don't feel like God is there - I understand the theology of the Christian faith, but I don't see the point. I struggle to go to church, to other groups, I just want to quit everything.
(The rest of this blogpost is a pitted, poorly written response to the article below. I just want to put that out there so you know I know it's not the greatest language or writing!!)
Several of my friends have sent me this recent article from Matthias Media "Life in a dark place: Doubt and the Christian life". Now, first of all the title: AN ABSOLUTE RIPPER. I have never felt such darkness and I've been struggling with depression for all of my adult life.
Secondly, yep, I felt completely alone when I said that I was doubting fairly publicly via FB. Since then I've had a lot of encouragement and support, but like the article says, "speaking about these things brings them out in the open". It's been very interesting having a number of private FB messages where people have told me about their experiences with doubt.
I know the Briefing is all about the Bible and that they have to bring the Bible into everything, but honestly, I found the initial conclusion "the common factor with all these doubters is their experience of contradiction" a little simplistic. Maybe I can say that, for example: "If God's so good, why am I so alone at 39?" "If God's so good why was I sexually molested?" "If God's so good, why did God give me this height and this appearance and this personality, which is obviously so abhorrent that no man wants me?" But, I think I think those thoughts, but also for me, the doubt is "Is God there at all?"
The next section talks about sinful, waiting creatures. I know all that. I think this is a great section that is well written and summarises the relevant theology well.
In the section "Defending Doubt" - personally I haven't noticed the first at all - I haven't felt it's a virtue, I haven't been encouraged to doubt, I cannot, absolutely cannot, relate to this at all.
In the second - I don't feel it's arrogant at all. I feel that I'm useless. I feel that maybe I was never really a Christian. Maybe I was just pretending because being a Christian meant I finally had a functional family. I was finally loved. Finally wanted for being me. I do feel completely immature. But I have ALWAYS felt immature as a Christian. Right from when I first converted, watching those after me to go on and become MTS workers, gospel ministers, missionaries. I have always felt second class, and immature. I think I am immature. As a Christian. And as a person.
I really like the author's example of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane - how Jesus felt the contradiction, but still had faith in God. That example reaches to the heart of the despair I feel: "My God, My God, why????????????"
"How do we deal with doubt?" - "Don't be surprised". Great section. When I first started doubting, I felt so vulnerable, I didn't want to talk to ANYONE. So when people offered to meet, I said: NO NO NO. But now I want to meet. Meet with someone who won't judge. Who will listen. Who will hug me. But I can't think of anyone.
"Don't be a loner". Well, clearly, I'm not doing that. Although I still feel desperately alone.
"Don't be proud". HAHA AS IF. I'm not proud. I'm lost. I feel empty, broken. I don't want to be told I'm being proud when I can't handle my own company and my own failure.
"Don't be scared". Yep, I don't think anyone could accuse me of lacking in courage.
"Don't forget the most important thing". I love this section. Listen to the words of comfort:
"The fact that God knows us is actually even more important than whether we feel like we know him at any particular point in time"
"When you are in the deepest place of doubt, it can feel like everything is dark all around you"
But the Bonhoeffer quote at the end does nothing. It just feels like I'm talking to empty air.
=================================================================
Ok, so that's my thoughts at the moment. Sorry if I hurt anyone by my responses.
I have been pointed to another article on doubt by the lovely Michael Jensen. I will write on that later.
(The rest of this blogpost is a pitted, poorly written response to the article below. I just want to put that out there so you know I know it's not the greatest language or writing!!)
Several of my friends have sent me this recent article from Matthias Media "Life in a dark place: Doubt and the Christian life". Now, first of all the title: AN ABSOLUTE RIPPER. I have never felt such darkness and I've been struggling with depression for all of my adult life.
Secondly, yep, I felt completely alone when I said that I was doubting fairly publicly via FB. Since then I've had a lot of encouragement and support, but like the article says, "speaking about these things brings them out in the open". It's been very interesting having a number of private FB messages where people have told me about their experiences with doubt.
I know the Briefing is all about the Bible and that they have to bring the Bible into everything, but honestly, I found the initial conclusion "the common factor with all these doubters is their experience of contradiction" a little simplistic. Maybe I can say that, for example: "If God's so good, why am I so alone at 39?" "If God's so good why was I sexually molested?" "If God's so good, why did God give me this height and this appearance and this personality, which is obviously so abhorrent that no man wants me?" But, I think I think those thoughts, but also for me, the doubt is "Is God there at all?"
The next section talks about sinful, waiting creatures. I know all that. I think this is a great section that is well written and summarises the relevant theology well.
In the section "Defending Doubt" - personally I haven't noticed the first at all - I haven't felt it's a virtue, I haven't been encouraged to doubt, I cannot, absolutely cannot, relate to this at all.
In the second - I don't feel it's arrogant at all. I feel that I'm useless. I feel that maybe I was never really a Christian. Maybe I was just pretending because being a Christian meant I finally had a functional family. I was finally loved. Finally wanted for being me. I do feel completely immature. But I have ALWAYS felt immature as a Christian. Right from when I first converted, watching those after me to go on and become MTS workers, gospel ministers, missionaries. I have always felt second class, and immature. I think I am immature. As a Christian. And as a person.
I really like the author's example of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane - how Jesus felt the contradiction, but still had faith in God. That example reaches to the heart of the despair I feel: "My God, My God, why????????????"
"How do we deal with doubt?" - "Don't be surprised". Great section. When I first started doubting, I felt so vulnerable, I didn't want to talk to ANYONE. So when people offered to meet, I said: NO NO NO. But now I want to meet. Meet with someone who won't judge. Who will listen. Who will hug me. But I can't think of anyone.
"Don't be a loner". Well, clearly, I'm not doing that. Although I still feel desperately alone.
"Don't be proud". HAHA AS IF. I'm not proud. I'm lost. I feel empty, broken. I don't want to be told I'm being proud when I can't handle my own company and my own failure.
"Don't be scared". Yep, I don't think anyone could accuse me of lacking in courage.
"Don't forget the most important thing". I love this section. Listen to the words of comfort:
"The fact that God knows us is actually even more important than whether we feel like we know him at any particular point in time"
"When you are in the deepest place of doubt, it can feel like everything is dark all around you"
But the Bonhoeffer quote at the end does nothing. It just feels like I'm talking to empty air.
=================================================================
Ok, so that's my thoughts at the moment. Sorry if I hurt anyone by my responses.
I have been pointed to another article on doubt by the lovely Michael Jensen. I will write on that later.
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